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Silence is Golden - Big Deals Revealed By Mary Fagan Parents of young children enjoy being active participants in their lives, relishing the time spent sharing, clarifying life’s mysteries and providing direction. When kids get older, they often stop talking in front of adults. Carefree conversations about daily life are replaced by one-sided questions answered by a straight flush of “I dunnos.” How can a parent nurture if they don’t know the score? How do you deal with teens when they hold all the cards? Silence is your strong suit. It’s the trick up your sleeve that can grant you access to their inner sanctum. When I drove my children to bowling, a party or a game, I’d speak with all the kids, ask how they were, what’s going on with school, etc., but NO. That is teen lip super glue. I discovered the power of silence quite by accident when I was mad at something. In the midst of my pouting, a new world opened up before my ears. Now I use the super glue on my own lips. After about 10 minutes, most teens start talking like you aren’t there and lay it all out on the table. But you must observe monk-like silence to activate this cloak of invisibility. In the event you are spoken to, use hand signals and grunts. Wear your best poker face. Shuffle around in your seat and look out the window frequently with a dull look that says, “I want be anywhere but here.” This is difficult when the conversation gets juicy but remember there is a lot riding on this. The really savvy kids will keep checking your face in the mirrors to see if you register interest so don‘t tip your hand with any frowns or snickers. If they ask you a question, answer like you aren‘t playing with a full deck to give them a truly false sense of security around you. (Wearing a pair of headphones connected to nothing in your pocket is almost cheating.) Correctly implemented, on long rides, bet on hearing about: Who is a player or a hot number. Who is doing things behind their parent’s back that could get them arrested. The latest vocabulary words, over and over. Who is not a wholesome young person and more incriminating details than you care to really know about. What teachers are “cool” and what teachers you like because they aren’t. What parent’s have said about teachers, other parents, neighbors and even you. Whose parents are “so cool” (red flag). Some personal and/or family data that is none of your business and would be the cause of a thousand shades of red if their parents only knew. The “funny” things they did the last couple of years that you never knew about but you will deal with in the near future. One caution - if you found out about something about your child that makes you fuming mad - WAIT. Don’t gamble with your cloak of invisibility. If you act impulsively, no more invisibility for you! You must keep it close to the vest and wait for the perfect time to call them on it. Since I have begun using the silent treatment, my kids wonder how I find out about the very things they “openly” discuss in the car. My lips are sealed. Copyright © 2007 by Mary Fagan. All Rights Reserved. Copies of, or excerpts from the above columns may not be reproduced without written consent of the author. Unsure of copyright issues? Read this for clarification.

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