Motherwise Cracks

My kids have complained now and again about where we live. They say, “There is NOTHING to do here” or “This place is a dump.” I think they miss its stong suit - simplicity.

For example, while other communities flaunt hot pink flamingos or those silly sun-charged patio lights, we can experience a pilgrimage without leaving the yard at Our Lady of the Dish (formerly a tub) while nearby, a wide-variety of gardening backsides, shadow cut outs, surrounded by a colorful mix of annuals and weeds, offer our children yards of fun.

The untrained eye doesn’t see that the abandoned cars in our yards and hedgerows are monuments to our strong sense of commitment, a valuable thing to teach our children. Not only do these old cars insure an endless supply of spare parts, but we are very attached to them. We name them things like “Petunia” or “Sparky,” and consider them part of the family, sometimes leaving them gifts of air fresheners or large speakers under the tree at Christmas. These “significant others” are included in the family photo albums and one can often hear Grandma say things like, “Look, there’s when we got Bubby from college and Petunia made it all the way from Oswego with one brake working.” It’s all very warm and fuzzy.

Unique to this type of town is the lack of Joneses. Here there aren’t any of those challenging people to keep up with. We don’t know who they are and we are not in a hurry to find them. They would always be welcome of course, as we are hospitable people, but they would have to do some adjusting. (Only “upkeep” is permissible here.)

Like the mural from the 1940s on our Post Office wall, we like the present at that time, and plan to continue living in it. The future arrives here just a tad late – about 10 -20 years late – and we are just fine with that. Being in “fashion” here is much easier to afford, and saves us parents a bundle on clothing, sneakers, electronic devices, etc.

We know how to savor trends like fine wine, keeping once trendy things in our cellars like vintners. We know that they will be called out again in about 20 years, like when hip huggers resurfaced. Off came the Partridge Family patches, and we were good to go. Imagine, people paying for “vintage” clothing. It’s almost laughable, but we are kind people and don’t usually delight in others’ lack of foresight.

Our strong environmentalist tradition of recycle, reuse and reclaim is especially evident during our annual Community Yard Sale. People come for miles to pay homage to our collective practices, and we sell them hot dogs, chips and pop at outrageous prices to help pay for flowers and banners to decorate the main drag.

We do this because want our town looking nice for visitors because we are considering attracting more of them due to the recently re-discovered Erie Barge Canal. I say “re-discovered” only because it was virtually ignored for years. In truth, the canal hasn’t changed one iota but suddenly, boaters, bikers and joggers are using it. (Moving fast around here is a sure sign you’re a visitor.)

This movement on the canal is a bone of contention among residents. The trick is to move ahead while standing still and this has locals in a quandary as they contemplate how to do this. We want what’s good for the economy but are reticent to give up our insulation to the outside world and full exposure to its influences.

Also among our other assets is our drive-in movie theatre with 3, count ‘em, 3 screens. Kids can’t experience the thrill of hiding in the car trunk so they don’t have to pay admission just anywhere, now can they? There is a snack shop and an ice cream stand there too because we like our sugars and fats, and parents find that a little Lipitor goes a long way.

Life here does pose some dilemmas. While we love the slow pace and lack of the Joneses, there are very few places for our kids to find jobs after we are done raising them here. Hence, they move away and usually leave us another old car to store in the shed or hide in the old brush behind the barn, not to mention that we miss them.

Personally, I love our seven restaurants, four bars, five churches, drive-in movie theatre (with 3 screens), four gas stations, liquor store, Laundromat and lack of places for gainful employment. If we wanted crime, drugs and huge billboards with sexy things dripping from them we’d travel the 400 miles to New York City. We don’t need some big city slicker telling us what we need and what we should do. Golly. It’s like my kids think this is Mayberry RFD and people around here aren’t sophisticated enough to understand a putdown when they hear one.

And that’s not very good for Aunt Bea’s blood pressure.

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“The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you’re doing, someone else does.”