Thanks to the wonder of the Internet, I have completed all my Christmas shopping. The only thing yet to do is make the sign for the door on the side porch where the UPS guy keeps leaving my gift items in the rain and wet to direct him to the large, covered wrap-around porch that is ten steps further but will keep my gift items dry. I am working on a graphic for that now. Perhaps just a big “DUH” would do the trick. It’s so hard to be nice when people are so lazy and stupid silly.

One of the items that the lazy little UPS guy left in the puddle collecting by the side porch door where it’s wet, was the amazing 10×14 Easy Canvas Print that I had made of the family when we were “dunh” dropping off my son for his first year at college.

It is a family favorite as we all look good in it and it is before I began sobbing hysterically so my eye makeup is still intact. You won’t be able to tell because I don’t post photos of my family online where you can actually make out anything for privacy reasons, but I just had to show it off in some form because it is awesome. I was a little afraid that putting our favorite photo on canvas might ruin the detail, but it didn’t. It looks great. I liked it so much, I friended them on Facebook too – just in a jolly holiday mood, I guess!

The next task to complete for the holidays is baking cookies. I wonder if the wonder of the Internet can somehow perform that for me too? I have the best recipe for cookies and the trouble with that is that people request them, and then you are stuck. In retrospect, it may have been smarter to use a dry and bad tasting recipe as this is the 20th year of me having to make cookies for the whole crowd that get eaten before the meal so I get complaints after dinner that I didn’t make enough.

Lucky for me, the girls will do the decorating if I make the dough. I guess hand mixing the cold hard butter into the flour and sugar is good for my biceps. I think that’s how Jillian Michaels gets hers.

You have heard that practice makes perfect? Yes, have had the most practice (at losing).

It doesn’t seem to matter, because we still love our sports. And we are good sports, too.

I sometime wonder that if we began to win, would we know what to do? It would be so confusing, especially since our outlook on life is from the “wide right” and our range of emotions experienced during sporting events stays pretty close to the “no goal” crease. What would it BE like to root for a winning team?

• How would we keep our wits and tongues sharp if we didn’t need to come up with snappy responses when people call us losers?
• Would we still have the same quality of delicious tailgate fare if we didn’t need that comfort food to get us through the game?
• Would we enjoy our $6 beer in the stands as much if it weren’t drowning our sorrows?
• Would we find another use for our middle fingers exiting the parking lot of ” The Ralph” when that carload of Patriots’ fans is looking so smug?
• Would it get boring to not ride on that roller coaster of wild dreams and unrealistic expectations each week?
• Would I be able to get/afford game tickets if we started to win?

I say that there is something to be said for a comfort zone. And it won’t be what I am saying in the stands when the snow starts flying and the wind starts whipping.

For the Erie is a-risin’ / An’ the whiskey’s getting’ low. / I hardly think we’ll get a drink / Till we get to Buffalo.
– Lyrics to “Ballad of the Canal”

At first I thought that perhaps the squash that he had been bragging about must not have been put in the right place, namely my basement, and perhaps they were still in the garage. Then I checked around and they were nowhere to be found, but on a visit to my mother-in-law’s house, I spied them by her kitchen door.

While I so kindly offered the complete summer months of my support, offered no cost supervision, and bought ten tomato stands at considerable expense, I apparently am not getting any squash. (Perhaps if I had actually helped in the garden I might have rated some squash?)

When the kids were home, I would make them weed, hoe and water the garden as part of their daily chores. It was hard work too, getting them to do physical labor in the hot summer sun, so I definitely did my part back then. But, now that they are gone, it’s come down to doing it myself with so many things. It just doesn’t seem right. I miss them AND I get extra work? Where’s the payoff?

Well, they tell me they will be cleaning my house and helping with the Thanksgiving meal so perhaps I might see something deposited in my empty nest account this week.

I am off the the store to get some squash for Thanksgiving. I guess I pay for it one way or another.

“A man’s children and his garden both reflect the amount of weeding done during the growing season.” ~ unknown

While there were a ton of folks who attended, my highlight was making a YouTube video with the American National Cattlewomen but I didn’t make the cut as it isn’t one of the videos they used. Just as well because I looked like hell. My only regret is that I am unable to use it to embarrass my children with it being on YouTube for all to see. Maybe next time.

I did successfully hand out about 40 pounds of fudge, talk to thousands of people and much to my surprise, not ONE of them was grumpy. My takeaway learning from this is that people are nice when you give them sweets and/or chocolate. Going through life, I don’t think one could actually use this strategy as it would be pretty costly and believe it or not fudge is heavy, but it’s a thought.

It reminded me of Mrs. Haney in my neighborhood as a child. We only went to visit her because she gave us a piece of chocolate. We would actually knock on the door and ask for it. And she obliged! We had no shame. It simply was what one did when passing her house.

So I guess this weekend I was the new Mrs. Haney – sans the moo moo – which brings me back to the American National Cattlewomen. I did get a meat thermometer for doing the video but I haven’t figured out a way to use that to impress anyone yet.

“I have a hard time defending the production of candy, given that it is basically crack for children and makes them dependent in unwholesome ways.”  ~ Steve Almond

P.S. Dear Steve Almond, if I had the last name of a nut, I wouldn’t go around saying such things. Everyone knows it not crack for children – it’s for all of us. Geez.

It reminded me of all of the costumes we made over the years and especially of the one that I made when my other daughter wanted to be a salad. She ended up winning a contest so I think I did okay with what I thought was a very strange request for a costume from a child who didn’t touch a vegetable for another good ten years.

And speaking of vegetables, after my art session, I ran home to babysit my nieces and was amazed that someone so small had the fine motor skills to be able to actually pick ONE pea out of a bowl of peas with the serving spoon when I told her she had to have a very small helping of them. I let her get away with that just out of sheer awe.

I let them stay up pretty late, eat cake and ice cream, drink soda and then they ratted me out to my brother when he came home. No good deed…

So I am not sure if I will get any more babysitting jobs but at least I am assured that I am still considered a good pick for costume making. Nothing like job security.

“If the cut of the costume indicates intellect and talent, then the color indicates temper and heart.”
~ Thomas Carlyle

I discovered a little trick a few years ago. I would dab a bit of Murphy’s Oil Soap around here there and things smell “clean” for quite some time. To add to my bag of cleaning tricks, I have discovered the Bounce dryer bar. Yes, a bar of Bounce that you attach to the inside of your dryer that lasts for a long time and gives your clothes that nice clean smell for a long time. I used it for all the sheets and bedding for my quests and they will think that I keep a clean and fresh upstairs! Oh joy. Thanks, Bounce, for helping me continue my cleaning charade.

Nature abhors a vacuum.  And so do I.  ~Anne Gibbons