Sidebar – Some of you may not know that some (and I mean most) men aren’t always as perceptive about their clothing. “Some” of them might even have that cavalier “devil may care” attitude about their plaid shorts from 1973 or their hockey jersey from 8th grade that they plan to wear to your high school reunion kickoff picnic.

It’s similar to dressing a child. A wife might contemplate setting her husband’s clothing out for him the evening so as to fend off any bickering about the fact that brown shirts don’t go with black pants or that striped pants and plaid shirts clash in the early morning hours. On the other hand, it makes for a good laugh when your kids get a load of what their wearing and then chastise you for their outfit, like you aren’t providing adequate supervision.

But I digress. The real kicker about his winter coat came a couple of days later when he announced that he was going shopping for a new winter coat for next year – at the second hand store.

I was thinking about jumping in the dumpster and rooting around to retrieve his donation but decided he’ll never get around to buying his own coat anyway.

As I thought more about it, I decided he is a clever man. He just guaranteed himself a new coat that I will be buying. I hate to be outsmarted by a guy who can’t even match colors.

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“The finest clothing made is a person’s skin, but, of course, society demands something more than this.” ~Mark Twain

Five pounds down and another 20 to go before I even feel human again, my next goal pants are tucked in the bottom drawer, their elastic inserts waiting to not be stretched to the ripping point. I have  a series of goal pants for each and every goal I have set that I have accumulated as I gained weight over the past 5 years. I like to plan ahead.

I survived the nieces visit this past weekend, but not the photos of me taken at that time. Rude wake up call sent and received. They were great but I have forgotten how hard it is to get  your beauty sleep with little kids around.

And now vacation is coming and I hate waiting to go swimming until the rest of the family has had enough beer and wine to cover my multitude of sins. And then there’s that pesky keeping their drinks refilled thing that I have to make sure to do so they don’t get a good look  at my condition in a state of sobriety. And they think I am just being a good hostess. (Can’t help think of Twinkees just now.)

And speaking of vacation, I had to buy a new Megastation floating island for the lake, but I went the cheaper route and got a Coleman thing that seats 6 and has 8 cup holders.  I also bought a floating cooler that holds … well, I think you get the picture. It’s all part of the plan.

So is eating four small 400 calorie meals a day. I downloaded this 400 calorie fix app to my iTouch. Pretty cool and if followed, works. Maybe someday my goal pants won’t have an elastic waist.

Not thinking of that just yet. One day at a time.

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“Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.” ~ Robert Brault

Note to Robert – I am looking back NOW and see big things.

1. Tell the person they look tired.

2. Look at their upper lip and brows and repeatedly ask if they need a wax job. (What am I? Mark Twain?)

3. Tell the person to roll their pants higher and give them .005 seconds to do so and then yell,

4. M’am. M’am! Did you hear me? (I signed back “no, you dumb-ass” in ASL)

5. Ask if you are hurting the person and then hit their leg harder.

6. Take requests to not touch ticklish areas as an invitation to break the person of their 54 year ticklishness in that spot.

7. When you’re done, just point to the drying area and say nothing.

8. Talk in another language to the person next to you trying to imitate the tone of the person you are mocking whose leg you are holding and pounding. (And they laugh and look at you. Duh.)

9. Don’t smile. At all.

10. Show lots of cleavage to another woman while you are tearing her toes apart getting the separaters into them.

Just my little bit to help any aspiring pedicurists to get the best tip possible.

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“If you make customers unhappy in the physical world, they might each tell 6 friends.  If you make customers unhappy on the Internet, they can each tell 6,000 friends.”  ~ JEFF BEZOS

Pretty bad. I did exactly that this past Saturday while in the grocery store. I have to tell you that it worked pretty darn good too. The down side is that you can’t see too well and I almost ran over someone while looking for Thai noodles. All in all, it was a well spent $9.99.

I usually like to grocery shop where no one knows me. It’s a much easier in and out. Back in the day, it was simple to get away when you had a crying child or a messy diaper to help you escape, but now, as one gets older, you are a prisoner to arthritis chants, insomnia whine, matrimonial ranting and medical “can you top this” stories. It’s enough to make a person drink. That is why I am in favor of selling wine in grocery stores.

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“You cannot find peace by avoiding life.”  ~ Virginia Woolf   (Dear Virginia. I would like to try anyway.)

But what’s worse is that my son ruined his phone again, and so begins the whole “it’s not my fault” routine. I guess that glass of water above where you are charging your phone that you then knocked over was a bad glass of water that didn’t listen to you and defy gravity? And I guess that iPod that decided to stay in your pocket through the wash and dry cycle was just stubborn and disobedient to not crawl out on its own volition? Nasty electronic devices.

So now we are shopping for another phone, that he will be paying for it this time. I will spring for a haircut, however.

If he was smart, he would have told me he broke his phone a while ago rather that last night – see post below. It would have explained why he hadn’t called home in weeks. You can tell he’s a Freshman.

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“Why don’t you get a haircut? You look like a chrysanthemum. ”   ~ P. G. Wodehouse

Couldn’t find his notebook that he insisted is on the living room floor.  Here I set on that very living room floor, and there is no book. I am not freaking blind. There is no spiral notebook. He tells me to look again. Calls me the next day to see if I finally found it, like it is an inevitability. I take another sip of wine and pray to St. Anthony, the saint for lost causes, that he gets lost – real soon.

See this picture of St. Anthony?  He is the saint we pray to when things are lost. The little babe is telling him that the notebook is right there in front of his eyes and he is too blind to see it. That’s where they get the lines for the song Amazing Grace – “T’was lost but now I see” come from.

If I happen to find that notebook that he insists is here, somewhere in plain sight that somehow I can’t see, I am going to eat my hat.

St. Anthony must have had to eat his hat too from what I can tell from this depiction. I wonder if anyone makes chocolate hats?

I wonder who the Saint of Holding Your Tongue is?

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“Eating words has never given me indigestion.” ~ Winston Churchill