1. Tell the person they look tired.

2. Look at their upper lip and brows and repeatedly ask if they need a wax job. (What am I? Mark Twain?)

3. Tell the person to roll their pants higher and give them .005 seconds to do so and then yell,

4. M’am. M’am! Did you hear me? (I signed back “no, you dumb-ass” in ASL)

5. Ask if you are hurting the person and then hit their leg harder.

6. Take requests to not touch ticklish areas as an invitation to break the person of their 54 year ticklishness in that spot.

7. When you’re done, just point to the drying area and say nothing.

8. Talk in another language to the person next to you trying to imitate the tone of the person you are mocking whose leg you are holding and pounding. (And they laugh and look at you. Duh.)

9. Don’t smile. At all.

10. Show lots of cleavage to another woman while you are tearing her toes apart getting the separaters into them.

Just my little bit to help any aspiring pedicurists to get the best tip possible.

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“If you make customers unhappy in the physical world, they might each tell 6 friends.  If you make customers unhappy on the Internet, they can each tell 6,000 friends.”  ~ JEFF BEZOS

But what’s worse is that my son ruined his phone again, and so begins the whole “it’s not my fault” routine. I guess that glass of water above where you are charging your phone that you then knocked over was a bad glass of water that didn’t listen to you and defy gravity? And I guess that iPod that decided to stay in your pocket through the wash and dry cycle was just stubborn and disobedient to not crawl out on its own volition? Nasty electronic devices.

So now we are shopping for another phone, that he will be paying for it this time. I will spring for a haircut, however.

If he was smart, he would have told me he broke his phone a while ago rather that last night – see post below. It would have explained why he hadn’t called home in weeks. You can tell he’s a Freshman.

—–

“Why don’t you get a haircut? You look like a chrysanthemum. ”   ~ P. G. Wodehouse

So then we get this issue of Cosmo in the mail addressed to my daughter and what the heck, the thing is full of tacky sex talk and kiddish (and I mean fourth grade) discussion of a female person’s body parts. Come on – we can’t say vagina on the cover but we can say hoo ha? Give me a break. Cosmo magazine used to be a tad more sophisticated. I think that it is now downright stupid. My guess is that they need readership (badly) to be able to sell ads to their clients because for $5 a year, my daughter got this stupid one year subscription, which they then sent to two addresses. What joy for me to read about getting a healthy and happy hoo ha at this late stage in my life. And I read the article. I learned nothing really, as it was just a bunch of hoopla about a hoo ha. Another guess? Putting hoo ha on a cover sells more magazines.

And I think Amanda Bynes, featured on the cover, got a lip plumping job. And by lips, I mean the ones on her face. (See diagram in the article on hoo ha.)

—–

“Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around.”  ~ Dave Barry

Last year, at 2 a.m. Christmas morning when I was wrapping gifts and using rubber cement and electric tape because I ran out of tape, I swore that I would be more prepared next year.

Fast forward to week two of Advent 2009. I am done shopping and about 1/3 of the way done wrapping gifts. Now I am scared. What happens when I have all my gifts done? I don’t think I will be able to handle this uncharacteristic calm. It’s putting me on edge. I might have to break down and bake cookies or something. Just what do organized people do when they are on time, or even early with task completion? It feels wrong.

I miss my old friends Panic and Dazed, my own personal elves that helped me get ready for Christmas morning. I don’t know if the Holidays will be the same without that old adrenaline high.

But I am not telling my kids about this. I plan on acting all panicky, otherwise they will ask me to help them do their shopping, errand running or wrapping. I have been practicing looking dazed and overwhelmed and faking breathlessness in front of the mirror. I am using the old I Love Lucy episodes I got last Christmas for inspiration.  (Method acting.)

See how this preparation thing is getting to me?

——

“Why not seize the pleasure at once, how often is happiness destroyed by preparation, foolish preparations.”  ~ Jane Austen

No. It’s just rape. I haven’t heard anything so ridiculous (in at least a week as my kids are all out of the house now and now its other people who are speaking without thinking ) when I heard some comments over the radio taken from “The View”. I thought I would blow a gasket.

Oh, please. God help us when there is a distinction between rape and rape, rape. As a mother, that really angers me. How irresponsible to say such a thing. Moms everywhere – time to band together and not let Hollywood give passes for bad (hurtful, illegal) behavior because someone is an entertainer, rich, famous, or whatever. Who gives a crap? He pleaded guilty for God’s sake, and fled the country. He is no better than the pedophiles that Oprah featured on her show some time ago when she encouraged people to turn them in if they knew them.

Are we losing our minds? Does wrong warp into right when you have money, fame, suffered some painful thing in the past yourself or have the ability to make movies?

So daughters, let’s be clear. This mother says that when a girl says “no” to having sex (especially when she is a pre-teen and the man is more than three times that age, and he has given her drugs and alcohol) and he forces himself on her anyway, that is rape. Say it with me, “rape”. I don’t give a flying crap what Sister Act says, and please think for yourself when you hear things that are just plain wrong. And turn off the TV while you are at it as the only one that seems to have a lick of sense is Judge Judy.

Now. Was this a rant or a rant, rant?

Right! They are one and the same.

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“You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can not fool all of the people all of the time.”  ~ Abraham Lincoln