Motherwise Cracks

I thought my Halloween costume making days were over but much to my surprise, I was called into action for my creative abilities. I helped make by daughter look like a bottle of citrus scented bodywash because she and her cousins were going to a party as a complete line of shower products. Yes, I can cut shapes out to look like lemons, limes and grapefruits like nobody’s business. And you’d envy just how well I can draw in pulp and sections on them.

It reminded me of all of the costumes we made over the years and especially of the one that I made when my other daughter wanted to be a salad. She ended up winning a contest so I think I did okay with what I thought was a very strange request for a costume from a child who didn’t touch a vegetable for another good ten years.

And speaking of vegetables, after my art session, I ran home to babysit my nieces and was amazed that someone so small had the fine motor skills to be able to actually pick ONE pea out of a bowl of peas with the serving spoon when I told her she had to have a very small helping of them. I let her get away with that just out of sheer awe.

I let them stay up pretty late, eat cake and ice cream, drink soda and then they ratted me out to my brother when he came home. No good deed…

So I am not sure if I will get any more babysitting jobs but at least I am assured that I am still considered a good pick for costume making. Nothing like job security.

“If the cut of the costume indicates intellect and talent, then the color indicates temper and heart.”
~ Thomas Carlyle

Since some relatives are coming, I guess it’s time to clean the upstairs. The kids are all gone so it has a life of its own going on up there, mostly in the form of dust kittens, spiders and at the present time, 15 gallons of wine-to-be that is fermenting. (See previous post.)

I discovered a little trick a few years ago. I would dab a bit of Murphy’s Oil Soap around here there and things smell “clean” for quite some time. To add to my bag of cleaning tricks, I have discovered the Bounce dryer bar. Yes, a bar of Bounce that you attach to the inside of your dryer that lasts for a long time and gives your clothes that nice clean smell for a long time. I used it for all the sheets and bedding for my quests and they will think that I keep a clean and fresh upstairs! Oh joy. Thanks, Bounce, for helping me continue my cleaning charade.

Nature abhors a vacuum.  And so do I.  ~Anne Gibbons

So I am listening to some people talk (they had the audacity to talk about their lives in earshot of me) and hear these parents mention that they let their kids watch the stupid reality shows like Jersey Shore or Real Housewives of Wherever.

Are they insane? What do they think the kids, those little social sponges, are taking in? Who do they think they will become if that is what they think life is like?

As I turned purple thinking about how thoughtless some parents are about exposing their kids to total crap, I wondered if this judgmental post would garner some comments. Nahh. Probably not.

Confession: I have never watched Jersey Shore and about three minutes of one of the Real Housewives shows.  I don’t need to. I get it. It’s crass, loud, flashy and shines a light on people who don’t have much substance to reflect. And they get PAID for these lackluster performances.

Personally, I am sick of shows that showcase bad behavior, people having sex as often as I eat dark chocolate (multiple times daily) and with about as much thought as I give that, and reality shows starring fake people. All I can think of is the line from The Princess Bride to describe them, “Boo! Boo! So bow to the Queen of Rubbish, the Queen of Putrescence, The Queen of Garbage, for that’s what she is! Boo! Boo! Boo!”

Note to Parents – Either turn off the crap or don’t talk about it near people with half a brain so that our collective blood pressures can stay within normal limits. And in twenty years, don’t complain about the end product. You didn’t care enough to do any quality control, and that’s your job.

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“I love you, but I love myself more.”  ~ Samantha Jones

(And this quote is from a selfish character, who I wouldn’t trust with my chocolate, from another show, Sex in the City, that little kids should not have been watching but probably did.)

The sounds coming from my second floor bathroom are pretty common. Lots of bubbling, gurgling, and an occasional squeak. A few years ago that would have been from the kids, but today it is from the fifteen gallons of wine fermenting in my new wine cellar that is upstairs. In the bathroom no less.

Yes, the kids brought home a science project for adults and just like the old days, left it for mom to finish while they one went on a trip and the other back to work.

So my brother calls and asks if I can watch his two young daughters and all I can think of is giving them a bath straddling the three huge containers of fermenting wine juice. And what will they tell the teacher about their weekend?

Not only do I have to watch the cat, now I have wine duty. And both of the girls already checked in on the wine to make sure that I had correctly followed the directions for the next step. Newsflash. It is not rocket science, more like baking as you measure yeast and stir. I think I can handle it.

They asked if I would make them labels for their bottles and I was to come up with the name. Oh that is my specialty. Vino di Flush. Chateau Potty. Nature Calls. In the Drink. Ripe Wipe. Niagara Trickle. Back ‘o Noir. I could go on all night.

“We will serve no wine before it’s time.” Orson Wells

Just when I get all motivated to drop some more weight there comes a season of something. There always seems to be a reason for a special meal or a party.

It is football season and if you go to games in Buffalo that means tailgating. And that means calories. There is also a basic amount of alcohol to be served. This means the diet will be in hold or worse – in reverse. It has been on hold since the summer when the parties and vacations cut into the plans for weight loss. That was just after the birthday season and before that was the holiday season. My reason for any season involves food. And elastic.

“And the seasons they go round and round,” wrote Joni Mitchell. I do too.

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person.

Last night, we were invited to dinner by my daughter, who was going to treat us. It was a celebration of sorts and the food was so good, but it must have been very clear that we were not VIPs of any sort. I should have worn my pearls. Damn!

It seems our waiter was completely overpowered by a certain NHL goalie who happened to be at the same restaurant and the poor thing, he must not have been able to concentrate on more than that. We got the minimum of attention, the maximum wait time, lost our wine bottle before it was empty, and not even a morsel of chatter, prattle or banter to offset the lack of attention, especially when spending a considerable amount of money for a meal.

When replying to our questions, our waiter began to answer and mid-sentence decided to walk away, (I think that is like the audio version of Wheel of Fortune – you guess the rest of the answer from what you are given. The only problem is that in this game, it’s always WRONG) or answered with short one-word replies and /or seemed rather bored.

It took 15 minutes to get my husband a beer, which coincidentally was the same 15 minutes that our main entree was served. (Not to worry about thirst – the water boy, who was very sweet and attentive, was right there with plenty H2O.) Nothing like a beer with your lemon curd.

Our waiter took the wine off the table when there was still wine to drink left in the bottle. A few steps from the table, he noticed this, stopped, held it up to the light, obviously saw that it was NOT empty…and then kept on walking away with it. If it weren’t for the fact that my daughter was paying for this meal and it would make her feel bad, I would have followed him to the kitchen and gotten my wine back. You really shouldn’t take wine from me, especially when I am not driving and have already had some. Danger zone.

Good thing that we are classy people (We didn’t even take a photo or ask the famous goalie for a photo or autograph) and that we are such wonderfully pleasant people ourselves that our power to overcome treatment-like-crap-compared-to-the-famous-person  is amazing. And we aren’t even bitter – not even after beer with lemon curd.

If we weren’t such amazingly gracious people, there would only have been one thing to say to this poor limited waiter unable to concentrate on more than one thing, especially if the one thing makes millions of dollars playing hockey – No Goal! (People from Buffalo will know what I am talking about. There is Google for the rest of you.)

If you don’t take care of your customers, someone else will. ~ Anonymous

Funny how things seem to run in parallel tracks and all of a sudden, a few people in my life are making decisions and I guess I am the big ear. Sometimes it’s hard to know when to move on or which path to take and I am probably better than talking to yourself. (I can dream.)

Funny the different ways that people deal with it that can be at two polar extremes. One perhaps can’t talk about it enough, going over each detail and weighing it with micro-precision, while the other completely closes down and becomes so inward that I am worried he’s even alive and breathing. Yes, it’s the outward vs. the inward wrestlers.

No matter what the type, I believe it’s been quite a workout, but what I am glad about is that these people don’t not ask me to make their decisions. They just need me to be in the audience.

And there is no heckling while this is going on, which really cramps my style. I’ll save that for later – years down the road when we look back and laugh about how big this or that particular decision seemed at the time. For now, it’s all ears and as little commentary as possible for me, which is really hard when you have as many opinions, the sarcastic wit, volume level, the extra muscles necessary for extreme and exaggerated facial expressions AND the self control of Judge Judy.

All of this has brought on the urge to wear a really big belt with a giant gold crest on it like the WWF Champs wear, and I feel a trip to Marshall’s coming on. (I am taking a trip to Florida in a while and it would work well there… ) But it wouldn’t say WWF on the big gold buckle – maybe, there would be a “T” in there.

And by the way, did you know that Judge Judy has a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame? No lie! (You know Judy would be all over that.)

“The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn.”  ~David Russell

One day on the way to college, an amazing thing happened.

My child, who was a complete and utter unorganized mess, got organized. Imagine my surprise when I was presented a diagram, color coded no less, of how to organize his drawers.

And I have included proof to relieve anyone of their doubts. I just had to photograph it because no one would believe me otherwise. This is the kid whose drawers at home are exploding with wrinkled shirts, shoved in so tightly that you can hardly open the drawer.

The condition of the organized drawers in about a week is up for speculation but I don’t care. I am claiming this small victory.

While I will need to spend a few hours in his room at home doing what I call organizing but is really disposing of trash, I believe this is a start. At least there was a plan.

Part of effective parenting is picking your battles. Then there is patience. Then there is knowing what to overlook. Coincidently, these same skills are needed to make a marriage last. I am hoping that this new development, combined with my ability to practicing the skills aforementioned, will continue to increase.

If not, I have really perfected the overlook thing. That really comes in handy.

“The art of being wise is the art of knowing what to overlook.” ~William James