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Enjoy Our 2006 Winning Mug Shot Stories - voted #1 by our readers!
December
WINNER - TIE >> 1. Electric Misconception - by Kerry Hunter
Twenty-some years ago when my daughter was in 5th grade, she had homework every night. One night she finally got done about 10:30pm.
I was helping her get ready for bed and she was stating how extremely tired she was and how hard it was to do homework when one is so tired.
I explained to her that in high school I took drafting and at times I worked till very, very late.
I said, "You know how hard it is to work on drafting till 3 a.m., all those straight lines and trying to measure and you can't see?", while I was holding my eyes open with my fingers.
She looked at me and with the straightest face and asked. "Mom? Didn't you have electricity back then?"
WINNER - TIE >> 1. Interrupted Effort - by Gwen Mayo
My grandson's pleading was relentless. From the back seat of the car came his repetitive "Oh please, oh please, can I Mommy?"
It was easy to see the frustration on my daughter's face as she tried to get through rush hour traffic without losing her temper. In an effort to keep him from pushing her beyond the limits of her patience, I tried to distract him.
He turned to me, eyes serious and conspiratorial. One small finger pressed against his lips. "Sush..." came the whispered reply. "Grandma, can't you see I'm begging?"
Two generations of mothers burst out laughing.
3. Shaving - by Amanda Callendrier
My parents were visiting us from out of town and were babysitting my three-year-old daughter Justine. Justine was thrilled; Grandma and Grandpa let her eat cookies and candy and make big messes without fear of recrimination. Disneyland, compared to being at home with me.
I returned home at the end of the day, and missing my little girl, I invited her to sit in the bathroom and talk while I took my bath. I told her she could watch me shave – an exciting event, given that the razor is a forbidden object, normally tucked away from her sight.
She watched with great interest as I explained the particulars of shaving, lathering, unwanted body hair, etc. “And you make bubbles with the soap, like this” I said, soaping a calf, “Except….usually it works better than this….” I was holding a withered, orange bar of soap (my father’s?) rather than our usual bar, and it was just not working. “This soap is not good soap,” I proclaimed.
“Not good soap,” repeated Justine, solemnly. I continued the instruction, undaunted, my razor hacking through the sticky flakes...
“What is the matter with this soap?” I grumbled, and finally, really inspected it. It was falling apart, floppy, ravaged.
It was a slice of cheddar cheese.
“EEEEEE!!! CHEEEESE!” I shrieked, hurling the thing into the trash can.
“EEEEEEE!!! CHEEESE!” shrieked Justine gleefully.
“Justine,” I said, scrubbing my legs. “Did Grandma give you some cheese?”
“Yes,” she said sheepishly.
“Did you take it into the bathtub with you?”
“Uh huh,” she said, smiling. “Mommy,” she chortled. “You shaved your legs with cheese!”
I started laughing too hard to admonish her. To this day, when she sees me with a razor, she says, “Remember the time you shaved your legs with my cheese?”
4. The Diary of the Homemaker - by Kim V.
I wake up in the morning and jump out of bed so fast.
Doing the 100m in ten seconds flat.
Whipping out dingy old sweats, looking in the mirror.
Oh my hair is such a ratty old nest.
Making lunches is such a bore. Got to clip coupons for Superstore.
Hurrying the kids to elementary school, lessons,
PTA meetings and feeling like a tool.
Laundry, dishes and crayon colored floors.
My daughter hung her leftover meal off the entrance doors.
Balancing bills. Swirling numbers in my head,
gees what a surprise we're still in the red.
Cooking the last meal of the day,
the oven roast turned a charcoal grey.
Bedtime finally comes, waiting for the next morning sun.
Mom snores in her sleep with cool pink socks on her feet.
November
WINNER >> 1. Making Allowance - by Carl Palmer
Pleased with the brand new door lock knobs
chrome, smooth and tapered, anti-theft
no ridge to grasp with a coat hanger
I swung shut the door to my truck
with the keys dangling from the ignition.
Knowing the doors were locked
I checked both sides anyway
looked through the windows
and pulled the handles once more
the driver side window slightly down
enough to snake in a straightened coat hanger
the knobs worked as advertised.
Tapping the glass with the bumper jack handle
about ready to break the window
and file an insurance vandalism claim
my 10 year old daughter stepped into the garage
“Kathy, stand back. I’m fixin’ to bust the window.”
I told her of my dilemma and listened
as my little girl spoke, “I have an idea, Dad.”
I watched as she unspooled an arm length of string
fed it through the opening to touch the knob
squeezed super glue to seep down the string
I watched in awe as we waited
the prescribed one minute (and one to grow on)
and then she slowly pulled the string
to pop the knob right up
and me right out of my predicament.
“Wow, that was terrific! Thanks, Kathy”
“That’s all right, Dad.”
“Could I have a dollar advance on my allowance?”
I gave her the dollar (and one to grow on).
3. Flushing to Blushing - by Liz M.
We had finally begun our basement remodel, including a half-bath downstairs. Having just one teacher's salary available, Mark and I were doing the work ourselves. Our brother-in-law Bill, an excellent carpenter, was over one afternoon to help install the plumbing. I was in charge of the children.
"Tim, make sure you don't flush," I told my 5-year old.
"Okay!" he cheerily agreed, engaged in one of his board games.
The plumbing was going well. The new toilet sat poised, ready for the install, and the major pipes were open and ready for the new materials. The men were carefully inspecting them, making sure the fit was right, so the bathroom above would not be compromised.
Mark looked straight up into the main pipe, its gaping maw facing back down onto him.
"What was that noise?" he asked, just as three gallons of Timmy's flush came pouring down on his head.
I don't think I ever saw Bill laugh so hard.
Timmy came running downstairs, and was mortified at what had happened to his father.
From my 5-year old's mouth came one line I will never forget: "Oh, how could I have been so foolish?"
3. Shower Humor - by Cynthia Wittcop
Twenty-eight years ago, when my oldest son Matthew was 3, I was taking a shower one morning when he came into the bathroom and asked if he could take a shower with me. Thinking this was a GOOD thing for him to be requesting a shower instead of resisting one, I said, "Sure, come on in, the water's fine." Matt climbed in and stood watching me wash my hair. As I was rinsing the suds out of my tresses, I glanced down and saw my little guy grinning up at me. "Nice beard, mom," he said.
It was the last time we took a shower together ...
4. Tooth Fairy Tales - by Susan O.
When my son lost his first tooth, he wanted to show his friends next door.
He dropped the tooth on his way back into the house through the front steps. He was so upset about the Tooth Fairy not coming to leave him money under his pillow. I looked and looked but to no avail, I couldn't find his tooth.
I spotted a little white rock, it looked close enough to replace his tooth. I said aloud, “here it is.” My son was so happy....
That night it went under his pillow when he was asleep. He awoke the next morning to find money from the Tooth Fairy.
He now is 28 years old and I finally told him the real truth about the rock under his pillow...lol..
October
WINNER >> 1. Dad's Dinosaur Tooth - by Claire Nixon
Out on a walk, passing by a high spiked metal fence, which had a white plastic object embedded between the spikes, my husband winked at me and said to our six year old daughter, “I told you dinosaurs came out at night. Look up there - one of them tried to eat this fence and got his tooth pulled out instead.”
She jumped up and down, smiling with amazement at seeing a real life dinosaurs tooth.
Continuing on our walk, our daughter and I fell behind. She tugged at my arm and whispered, “Mammy, we can’t come back this way.”
Very concerned I asked, “Why, is something wrong?”
She replied, “No, but if we do come back this way daddy won’t be happy.”
“Why is that dear?”
“He will look at the dinosaur tooth again and he might see it’s just a plastic cup.”
“Oh! I see,” I said amused.
“I don’t want daddy sad. You know what he’s like with dinosaurs: He’s a bigger kid than me.”
2. One Froggy Morning - by Lucille McKenzie
For the mothers who lived on Pacific Avenue, the mid-morning coffee break was essential! Forty children, ages 6 months to 17 years, lived on this one block long street. We mothers got together at one another’s homes, and peacefully sipped a cup of coffee while the children had drag races on their tricycles, indulged in water fights, or had wrestling matches. Not that we ignored them. Periodically one of us would go to the door and yell something like, “You kids quit throwing rocks!” Or, “No fighting!”
Sometimes the younger boys hunted frogs. We didn’t mind as long as they treated their captives nicely, and, most important, kept them outside.
One morning after I bade my coffee guests goodbye at the door and turned back toward the kitchen, I discovered that my two-year-old son, Dayn had come in the back door.
Much to my horror, he was dumping the squashed remains of a dead frog up and down in my coffee cup. “Me give froggie a drink,” he said happily. It was a while before I could drink coffee again.
3. Church Offering - by Donna Boyett
When our daughters were very young they spent a week each summer visiting their grandparents in another city. On one visit, our youngest, who was about four at the time, was sitting quietly with her grandparents when the offering plate was being passed around.
Both children were given a quarter to put in the offering plate. As the plate came to our youngest daughter, her grandmother leaned over and whispered, "Katie, do you want to put your quarter in the plate?"
After a thoughtful pause, and just as the organist finished playing the first song, our precious angel answered very loudly, "I don't know, Grandma, what are they offering?"
4. Losing Her - by Amy Harris
My sixteen year old daughter was very pleased with the purchase of her first car. That night we had to make the tour and visit my parents, my cousin, and both my sisters to show off this purchase. Arriving at my younger sister's house my daughter parked the car on a slant to make it easier for everyone to admire as soon as they saw it. We knocked on the door and went in. We saw my 10 year old niece first.
"See what Ashley bought?" I asked her as I looked out the window. Looking out the window she spotted the car and spun her head around to look at my daughter and
smile.
My daughter then went to get her aunt and uncle. When she left the room my niece sighed heavily and said "You're losing her Auntie." I looked at her and said "Losing her?" I said, "What do you mean?"
"She has a car now.” She said shaking her head, “That means you'll never see her again.
September
WINNER >> Picking Popes is for the Birds - by Debbie P.
When Pope John Paul II passed away and the Cardinals met to pick the new Pope, my 7-year-old son was very curious. He kept asking questions about how the Cardinals chose the Pope, when they decided and what criteria they used to pick him. One by one, as the questions came up, I answered them and he would scamper off satisfied for the moment, only to return a short time later with a fresh one. At the end of the day’s series of questions, sitting around the dinner table came the best one. “I get all the things you told me Mom, but one thing I still don’t get. Why do ball players get to pick the Pope?”
My Butt, I'm Tired - by Connie S.
Auditions for the second grade play were in a week. My daughter, who takes things very seriously for her age, was given lines to practice. I didn’t pay too much attention to her rehearsals as I had a lot going on with the baby.
The next Sunday after the audition, her teacher came up to me after church services laughing so hard it was hard for her to speak. Apparently, the line she chose to act out included the sentence, “My, but I am tired.” The “My, but I am…” form of speech is not commonly used now, but the lines she chose for the kids to use for the audition were taken from a playbook printed when it was.
My daughter delivered the line complete with her little hand rubbing her little backside, and saying with great sighs of tired exasperation, “My butt! I am tired!” My, but I had better pay more attention next time!
The 16-foot Pickle - by Andie M.
Summers for working moms can be a challenge finding daycare. My sister-in-law and I decided to take off one day a week to rotate watching all of our kids, that way we could cover at least two days a week and not have to pay for it.
We took the kids to local parks, berry picking, and to swimming pools to keep them busy. One such trip was to a museum in Medina, New York where the sign at the ticket booth boasted of a “real 16-foot pickle” inside. I picked up on it, and enjoying my amazement, the ticket seller jumped right onboard. He went on and on about the “real” pickle inside and got the kids whipped up into a frenzy to see it.
Once inside, they ran to the pickle and stopped dead in front of it and began to look around. It was right in front of them but the only thing there was a very large green wooden pickle, left over from a sign from an old pickle factory that was in town years ago. “Where is it, Aunt Andie? Where is the 16-ft. pickle?” they asked bewildered. With the harsh reality hitting me right between the eyes, I said, “That’s it kids.That is the pickle” They were furious. They had been taken! It was a 16-foot pickle – made of “real” wood. The ticket taker had followed us to the display and was killing himself laughing - at their expense - or mine if you count the price of the seven tickets!
The angrier they got, the funnier it was. They stormed to the door in protest and refused to take the rest of the tour. In retrospect, it was well worth the price of the tickets.
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